Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
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Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
What a chick magnet..