“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
You Might Also Like
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff