Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
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Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.