Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
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My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
japanese corn
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Always…
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.