Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
You Might Also Like
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I beg your pardon?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk