Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
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60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life