Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
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Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
#Caturday
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.