@goldengateblond

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

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@murrman5

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

@small_blunder

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

@tastefactory

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

@awescar

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

@Elizasoul80

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

@GensPlace

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

@sweetg35

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!