@murrman5 good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
@goldengateblond Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
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@murrman5 
@small_blunder Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
@tastefactory Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
@awescar Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
@Elizasoul80 [my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
@evangeline_dawn If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
@English_Channel I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
@TheAlexNevil These 3D printers are insane!
@GensPlace I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
@sweetg35 If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!