Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
You Might Also Like
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
My five year plan is a meteorite
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
that colleague who touches your screen
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes