wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
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I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
the official breakfast of 2021
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?