Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
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All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
When someone says you are so lazy
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*