Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
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Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano