Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
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What?!?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
From my Mom
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.