wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
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TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better