wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
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My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
🤣could you imagine
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.