Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
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Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”