Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.