Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”