Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
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I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling