Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
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Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call