Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
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As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.