waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
You Might Also Like
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees