waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
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Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Is this you?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash