[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
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3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
ready to be harvested
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months