@panmidwest

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

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@xLiserx

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

@samalmightysam

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

@shopkins776

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

@HelmdawgE

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

@Molly_Kats

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

@DanMentos

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

@pixelatedboat

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

@seamussaid

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write