Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
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INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Peter Parker Peter Driver