WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
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Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
SCARY COSTUME
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack