Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
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Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.