Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
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The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
What
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it