waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
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A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.