Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
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“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed