waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
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If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.