waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
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Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.