Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
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Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
*seductively eats two tums*
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
This kid is going places
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Did my cat write this
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.