waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
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Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Proofread twice, hang posters once
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*