WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
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Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Danger is very dangerous
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
so this horse walks into a bar
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
50 shades of grey = my Liver