WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
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Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this