WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
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first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
pls suprot
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
accurate
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed