waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
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I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms