Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
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ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left