Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
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[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
no one likes gloating
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges