“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
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Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Dishonest mechanic?
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..