Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
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[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.