Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
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What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.