Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
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handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.