WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
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“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]