waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
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Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
the dark web is just a goth google.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.