Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
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Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
A completely valid reaction tbh
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
work smarter, not harder
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.