-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
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I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.