*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
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*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.