WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
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Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Meow
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
only 11 steps left
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside