WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
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I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs