Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
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I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
[shakes fist at other fist]
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.