WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
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My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.