WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
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Mornin
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Well, that didn’t work.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’